ot5-keysmash-header-finalOT5 KEYSMASH is where we come for our regular dose of flail. We’ve each chosen one thing that has made us asdf;lkj recently. Do these things make you smash your keys?

beyonce album

Brie’s pick: Beyonce’s surprise album

brie-50-x-50-aviOn Friday the 13th, the entire music game changed when Beyonce – with no warning, no promo, no hype, no fanfare – released her new album via an instagram announcement, with the captions “Surprise!”. In the instagram video, she showed a series of clips to a new, visual album, sold only on iTunes featuring 14 new tracks, and 18 new videos. The album sold 80,000 units in THREE HOURS. Within 24 hours, she sold over 430,000 albums. Let that sink in. 430,000 albums with NOT ONE OUNCE OF PROMO. The album is full of feminist anthems, (including a voice over on ***Flawless, by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie from her TED talk on feminsim), sexy storytelling and visually HOLY MOTHER OF GOOD. I am trying to get a body like Yonce for Christmas. In addition, she takes the #1 spot in the charts selling a whopping 617,000 records domestically in THREE days. And the cherry on top: Beyonce notches the largest sales week of 2013 for a woman, & the biggest since Swift’s “Red” debuted w 1.2 million in October of 2012. I bow before my Queen.

elle-50-x-50-aviI’m really not a big fan of Beyonce in that I’d buy her album, but I know pretty much every single one of her songs that has ever hit the radio and pretty much enjoy them. I’ll admit, half the fun was seeing my TL lose their collective shit over Bey releasing an album NO ONE knew about. It was under lock and key and then some. Who says ya can’t keep your shit on lock now? Get it, lady.

heidi-50-x-50-aviI haven’t listened to this yet, because I make Brie vet all my new music. But based on the way the internet exploded, this is a must listen. Those stats are insane! There was NO promotion for this album. I can hardly wrap my head around it. Think about all the marketing that goes into pop culture. I lost count of the number of Almost Human and The Desolation of Smaug commercials I have seen the last two months. And all Beyonce has to do is just say, “Here, have an album,” and it sells 800,000 copies worldwide.

liz-50-x-50-aviI just … okay, I am SHIT at secrets. I buy someone a present and end up giving it to them before the occasion because I can’t hold onto it. I can’t imagine writing and recording this many songs, not to mention planning and filming all these music videos, without the news getting out at all. That is nuts. These are some fucking ninjas, for real. Can the government hire them for national security? Fuck.

meg-50-x-50-aviI have to be honest and say that I haven’t listened to any of the music off this album yet, although I’m sure it’s all amazing. I think it’s pretty damn cool that she was able to get it recorded (along with the videos) and not have it leaked anywhere. I don’t think that’s ever happened in the history of forever. As far as the success of the album, I mean, it’s Beyonce. Of course it’s going to hugely successful, promo or no promo. But this sure took a lot of guts and faith in her fans and I think the best thing about it is that it completely fucked up everyone’s Best of 2013 lists. Makes me giggle.

simon cowell happy sigh

Elle’s pick: Revisiting old OTPs

elle-50-x-50-aviIt’s that time of year again where ABC Family is showing every single movie of Harry Potter. Ain’t life grand? Mmhmm. I’m not just keysmashing about that, no. I’m keysmashing all over the place because I’ve been revisiting my old flame, aka the OTP of Harry/Draco. HELP. I love them so much. They were my first slash couple outside of Twilight & Edward/Jasper. They’re special to me, okay? I’ve been reading so much HPDM fic lately that it’s a little worrisome, but meh, sue me. There are so many great fests going on right now so my tabs are full of all the new fic and all of my old faves. There is nothing quite like the love of one of your first OTPs. *sniff*

brie-50-x-50-aviAh yes, setting sail with an old ship. It’s oddly comforting because usually, if you’re not reading about that OTP anymore, it’s probably because you’re either 1. over it, or 2. have read everything you could, so when you do go back to it, and find something that sucks you in, it’s almost like coming home which is always a great feeling.

heidi-50-x-50-aviI have participated in a lot of fandoms over the years. And even though I am basically OTP-free, I TOTALLY get this feeling. It’s nice to go back and revisit old characters that you once obsessed over and remember all the tropes and get those nostalgic reminders of why you fell in love with a fandom/character/pairing to begin with. *happy sigh*

liz-50-x-50-aviThis is so weird because just the other day I woke up butt ass early in the morning and started writing a Merlin fic on my phone. I haven’t read or written Merlin since fairly soon after the series ended, but I just, I don’t know. I had to. And that urge had me going back and rereading all my faves, and then rereading all my fave Bradley/Colin RPF, and yeah. Super comforting, super happy making.

meg-50-x-50-aviIt’s only been a year since the end of Merlin and the fandom is still relatively active, but I do often find myself nostalgic for the “good old days.” And this time of year really brings those feelsu up to the surface because, you know, EVERYONE DIED AT CHRISTMAS. Arthur and Merlin were the purest OTP of all time (and that’s a LOT of time) and sometimes I get a bit emotional over it. Okay, a lot emotional over it. Maybe I’ll revisit some of my favorite fic over the holidays or watch a couple of my favorite episodes. It’s my happiest of happy places.

keahu kahuanui merman project mermaids

Heidi’s pick: Keahu Kahuanui as a merman for “Project Mermaids.”

heidi-50-x-50-aviWhat. No, but what. Since the finished shot is going to kill me, I may as well keysmash over the behind the scenes pics now before my inevitable demise. Keahu. As. A. Merman. Put it on my tombstone. He did this photoshoot as a part of Project Mermaids, which raises awareness for Save Our Beach – an organization that promotes keeping our beaches clean. I’m not a beach person per se, but I have a healthy awe for the oceans. Seriously, oceans are awesome. That I get to ogle Keahu in a merman costume while he’s trying to raise awareness for beach pollution, well, don’t mind me, I’ll be the puddle of fangirl goo in the corner. (And someone write me merman!Danny fic, like, now.)

brie-50-x-50-aviI_Would.mp3 basically. Like, call up Ursula, I’ll play Prince Eric and bring me to him by land or sea. He looks INSANELY hot as a merman. Which, writing out merman made me think of that Zoolander bit, “I’m a merman, a merMAN!” so now I’m giggling at that. But right, yes, hot boy, doing hot things, for a good cause, I’m into it forever and always.

elle-50-x-50-aviWell, well, well, hellooooo Keahu. You look like fic come to life, no but really. How pretty. Not only is he dressed up as a handsome merman, he’s doing it for charity. I’m calling it a day. NOPE. CANNOT. Can someone just give me a Teen Wolf AU or Teen Merman? Like, I’m not asking for much??? RUN WITH IT, FOLKS. Or swim with it. Whatever.

liz-50-x-50-aviYeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, I’m going to need the AU RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. I just CANNOT with Keahu Kahuanui. He is amazing. His body is amazing. His scales are amazing. WHAT THEY ARE. Yum.
meg-50-x-50-aviMy favorite thing in the world is when celebs in my fandoms unintentionally do something so ficcy that the world basically implodes. This is one of those times. I can’t even imagine what’s going to happen once the actual pictures come out. Keahu all slippery and wet and glimmery with that TAIL, gliding through the water and splashing and bare chest. *wanders away drooling*

chicago blackhawks chicago loves pits jonathan toews


liz-50-x-50-aviLast week some of the Chicago Blackhawks did a photoshoot for a charity calendar, and it was awful. Seriously look at that fucking gif. JONNY IS SO HAPPY TO BE LOUNGING AROUND IN BED WITH A DOG. EVEN IN FUCKING BLACK AND WHITE YOU CAN SEE THE HAPPY FLUSH IN HIS CHEEKS. HE LOOKS SO SOFT AND CUDDLY AND I HATE EVERYTHING. The video is terrible, because we get extra footage of Jonny being adorable with this dog, and this dog really not caring even a tiny little bit that she is in bed with Jonathan Toews. Also featuring Andrew Shaw sassily cuddling a tiny puppy and Ben Smith being a puppy while posing with a puppy and Brandon Bollig being hot with a dog. UGH THEY ARE THE WORST.

brie-50-x-50-aviWhat kind of adorable bullshit is this? Why would you put a man, in a bed, with a DOG who’s wearing a bow tie? Why would someone do this? This is an act of the devil tbh. Any celebrity that poses with a puppy should just STOP immediately before they go on any further. He’s lucky there’s not a kitten there too. Great, I probably just gave them an idea. MEN WITH KITTENS NEXT YEAR GUYS! I hate everything.

elle-50-x-50-aviNo, no, NO. ABSOLUTELY. TAZER WITH A PIT? CAN YOU HELP ME OUT? Either give me a strong stiff drink or a strong check because I cannot handle it. Meg said it best with “everything is so soft and nothing hurts and you can just leave me alone to DIE”, YES ABSOLUTELY YES. I can’t handle any of that shit, are you kidding me? There is my Captain loving up on a sweet little lady and I cannot get enough. *sobs*

heidi-50-x-50-aviNOPE. Hot men with puppies??? I cannot. I honestly don’t know which is more adorable, Jonny or the puppy. And you say this is going to be for a charity calendar? *chinhands* Is the whole team in this with puppies? Because, um, I don’t have a 2014 calendar yet. And I would not mind one bit seeing that every day for 31 days. Not. One. Bit.

meg-50-x-50-aviLiz has spent the last two weeks trying to kill me with hockey nonsense. I’ve been subjected to gifs of scruffy, bloody boys (unf), shirtless, scruffy boys (yes pls), boys are who are exceedingly good with a stick (heh), and now THIS. Scruffy boys with pit bulls. hahahahahaha NOPE. Get this fandom away from me because I do not have the time. So here’s this kid with a black and white pittie who is too cool for school but still snuggling because it’s in her nature to snuggle and he’s just pleased as punch and everything is soft and nothing hurts and you can just leave me alone to DIE.

Meg’s pick: Teen Wolf 3A Gag Reel

meg-50-x-50-aviTAG YOUR PORN, TEEN WOLF. For god’s sake. The majority of this gag reel is Dylan wiggling his hips around and Hoechlin trying not to break character. IT IS PAINFUL. I think Dylan’s body is actually filled with fondant and sprinkles. That’s what makes him so bendy. Can he and Hoechlin have an eyebrow-off? See who can make the most expressions with their stupid faces in 60 seconds. Winner gets to make me dinner and then rub my feet and read SPN fic out loud to me while the loser lets me lick…okay, I’m getting off topic. THE POINT IS. This gag reel is doing a LOT and I mostly blame Dylan O’Brien’s hips.

brie-50-x-50-aviOkay but DYLAN. DYLAN’S HIPS. DYLAN GYRATING. DYLAN JUMPING ON MEN LIKE A MONKEY. DYLAN. I literally have no idea what else happened in that gag real except for Dylan werking his little skinny body. It’s also comical to me to see the evil wolves being silly in full makeup. Though, I wouldn’t be able to take Tyler P. seriously with all those teeth either.

elle-50-x-50-aviDEAR GOD. I JUST WATCHED THIS AND I’M A FREAKING MESS???????? Dylan, sit the fuck down and stop moving your goddamn hips. JESUS CHRIST. HOW DID THEY GET ANY FILMING DONE? LJASFLJAOIGJOAIJGAH I NEED A MINUTE. OR FIVE. OR A WEREWOLF. Wow. I can’t. I just cannot. And seeing those scary ass weres all having fun. You’re supposed to be scary, not goofy and cute. I can’t do it. I refuse. 3B is just around the corner and this brought the feeeeeeeels.

heidi-50-x-50-aviDYLAN’S EYEBROW RAISE AT 0:29. I had to pause and rewatch that about ten times, no lie. THAT EYEBROW RAISE IS MY LIFE NOW. Basically, what I learned from this is that Dylan O’Brien dances constantly, with gyrating and hip-thrusting motions that make me want to throw myself off a bridge. Also, who else is /SHOCKED/ that doing a sex scene with Tyler Hoechlin would reduce the other person to giggles. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone? This whole gag reel is absolutely awful. *goes to watch Dylan’s eyebrow raise another ten times*

liz-50-x-50-aviI have stared at the space where I’m supposed to put my comments for the last ten minutes and all I can hear is the WMYB laugh track, and all I can see is Dylan’s sassy face while he’s wobbling around like his joints are made of rubber, and I am hurt, okay. I am physically hurt by his face and his body and his nonsense. Also by him spanking Hoechlin with the werewolf breech birth gloves. Also by Hoechlin asking if Uncle Peter is drinking again. I just. I need this whole cast to take a seat.
Share your flail below! Are you all asdf;lkj over the same things we are? Or do you have more things to share to make the OT5 asd;lfkj? WHO WANTS MORE FEELS????? WE DO WE DO!!!!!

Keysmash OT5

keysmash \ KEE-smash\ verb

1. Randomly hitting your keyboard to express overwhelming emotion, such as anger or excitement.

ot5 \ oh-TEE-fahyv \ noun

1. Favorite combination of five persons in a fandom.

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