WARNING: What you are about to experience is a level of fangirl crazy you’ve only ever heard about. It’s the type of love, devotion, and obsession that lands people with restraining orders. This is not for the casual fan.
Hi. I’m Iris. I’m 31, live in NYC, and am your average, broke single lady.
Today is March 27, which makes it the second greatest day in history, second only to Christmas (because you can’t beat the birth of Jesus). Today is Mariah Carey’s anniversary (birthday for those not in the know). Today is the celebration of the most perfect being to ever grace our presence.
Welcome to my world:
Now, here’s your education:
- Over 200 million albums sold.
- 18 #1 singles <– Ties her with Elvis. Only The Beatles have more.
- 5 octave range, son.
- 5 Grammys, 11 American Music Awards, 17 World Music Awards, 31 Billboard Music Awards, 10 MTV VMAs, 9 Soul Train Music Awards, and THESE that I can’t even list. (twerk)
- 11 #1 albums.
- $500 million = Her net worth.
- THE WHISTLE REGISTER:
- Is credited with the invention of Hip-Pop, the joining of Hip-Hop and Pop music. Please to be seeing THIS.
- Won the Grammy for Best New Artist in 1990.
- Idolizes Marilyn Monroe and paid homage to her in THIS video and THIS video.
- Adele, Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, Leona Lewis, Hayley Williams, Jennifer Hudson, Katharine McPhee, Carrie Underwood, Pink, Christina Aguilera, and a whole mess of other legit (and those who try) singers? That’s Diva’s influence. You’re welcome.
- Because of THIS video, low-rise jeans became a thing.
- Is the only artist to have a number one hit in every year of a decade.
- Say what you want about Glitter, but the soundtrack was phenomenal and ahead of its time. Exhibits 1, 2, and 3.
- BECAUSE SHE CAN DO THIS:
- Is known as The Voice.
- “One Sweet Day,” her duet with Boyz II Man, is the longest running #1 single of all time at 16 weeks. The longest running #2 single of all time? “We Belong Together.”
- Holds the Guinness World Record for singing the highest note in the history of recorded music.
- She took every amazing feeling of an orgasm and turned it into a song.
- Her mother is an opera singer.
- Her godmother is Patti Labelle, y’all.
- Was the first ever Celebrity Legs of a Goddess recipient.
- “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is one of the most popular Christmas songs of all time and now a staple of the holiday season.
- She’s endured and survived an extremely controlling relationship in her first marriage.
- Has written/co-written and produced/co-produced every song she’s released (with the exception of covers).
- Her collaboration with Whitney Houston for The Prince of Egypt soundtrack won an Academy Award.
- From one diva to another, she sent Celine Dion flowers when her father passed away.
- Because she loves Jesus something fierce and makes it a point to take you to church.
She’s donated millions of dollars and countless hours of her time to numerous charities, including Save the Music Foundation, World Hunger Relief, Andre Agassi Foundation for Education, Operation Smile, and Stand Up To Cancer. She even started her own: Camp Mariah.
- Someone somewhere has a video of me “recreating” THIS video in the 4th grade.
- I buy 5 copies of every album she releases; 1 to listen to, 2 to keep as back-ups, 1 to frame, and 1 that goes into a safety deposit box.
- I hugged her during the encore of her show for the Charmbracelet tour at Radio City Music Hall on September 18, 2003. The clothes I was wearing at the time remain unwashed and are now displayed in a glass frame.
- When I was 17, I paid $1,600 (my savings) for a pair of autographed Gucci stilettos she wore that were auctioned off for charity. I keep them in a glass box.
- I may or may not have gotten into a physical fight with someone for saying something bad about her in my presence. *shifty eyes*
- My one and only tattoo is of her logo. My next one is her signature around my wrist (or over my heart).
- I throw her a birthday party every year. (For the morning crowd, there are doughnuts in the kitchen. For the post-lunch crowd, there’s birthday cake in the conference room. Stop by office.)
- I submitted an application for Camp Mariah, but I never heard back. It probably had something to do with the fact that I wasn’t an inner-city youth. And lived in New Mexico.
- My dorm room circa 2004:
- I was voted Most Likely To Be the Next Mariah Carey my senior year of high school.
- I’ve educated many a job interviewer about Her Majesty. I figure it’ll come less as a shock when I set up the shrine at my desk.
- My parents instituted a household rule that nobody is allowed to speak negatively about Diva in my presence in order to eliminate any potential fighting.
- I was 9 when I discovered the reason for my existence. I was up late one night, watching The Arsenio Hall Show, and there she was. I can only describe it as putting a voice to God’s name. It was as if the heavens parted, and Jesus was like, “Here is my gift of perfection. It is Mariah Carey.”
- First I heard her. Then I saw her. By the time I found out that she not only wrote but co-produced her first album, I was done. Nobody, not even Whitney, sounded like she did, sang like she did. And she was just. So. Beautiful. It physically hurts to gaze upon the most beautiful woman there ever was, is, or will be.
- I’ve devoted the last 23 years of my life to her. There is nobody more important to me than her. My parents have learned to accept this. My future husband or wife will have to accept this. Any children I have will have to accept this.
- She has saved my life in every sense of the word, and I could never repay for her for what she’s done for me.
- I’ll leave it here while it’s short and sweet, dahhlings. May your days be filled with as much squeeing, flailing, swooning, sobbing, deading, and resurrecting as I’ve experienced because of the most perfect creation in the history of ever. #L4L
1. Randomly hitting your keyboard to express overwhelming emotion, such as anger or excitement.
ot5 \ oh-TEE-fahyv \ noun
1. Favorite combination of five persons in a fandom.
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